on sleep and such

To Sleep

O soft embalmer of the still midnight,
Shutting, with careful fingers and benign,
Our gloom-pleas'd eyes, embower'd from the light,
Enshaded in forgetfulness divine:
O soothest Sleep! if so it please thee, close
In midst of this thine hymn my willing eyes,
Or wait the "Amen," ere thy poppy throws
Around my bed its lulling charities.
Then save me, or the passed day will shine
Upon my pillow, breeding many woes --
Save me from curious Conscience, that still lords
Its strength for darkness, burrowing like a mole;
Turn the key deftly in the oiled wards,
And seal the hushed Casket of my Soul.

- John Keats

Sleep.
A craving when you're restless.
A balm for your soul.
An elusive state when you desire it most.

Drifting. Away. Unnoticed.
This is me.

reminiscing

a year ago, i was this person...
http://crazeeinsee.blogspot.com/2006_11_01_archive.html

two years ago, this was me...
http://insee.blogspot.com/2005/10/is-this-where-life-is.html

today... i am...
http://crazeeinsee.blogspot.com/2007/11/overwhelmed.html

it's unsettling when you realise that the world has gone two times around the sun, and you've been missing the ride. if there has been any movement in my life, it's been backward; further away from the dream. the ideas that 'lit a match in my dark head' (to quote the Pi guy), have disappeared. the emotions dissolved. and the carcass is rotting in the depths of my mind. an inanimate being. waiting.

waiting...
waiting to be reincarnated. for blood to run through its veins... for it to be nurtured and grown and cared for. to grow beyond possibilities that exist and that can be seen.

inspiration is like the flame on a match-stick...
instantaneous and fickle.

catch it!
breathe it!
embrace it!

while it lasts...

overwhelmed

Mood of the moment: overwhelmed consciousness
Song that i can't get rid of: tu bin bataye
Movie on my mind: dil se
Newest infatuation: songs in languages i don't understand
Secretly craving: fulfillment
Wish i were...able to collect my senses and devour them whole

words are too precious. they say too much. in lyric, they are unbearable.
tearing me up. breaking me down. i want to escape; into oblivion.

to a world i can't comprehend. where i can lie, amongst shadows. content. no sensual manifestation. no visual marijuana. and no lyrical epiphany.

Lolita

Mood of the moment:dazed
Song that i can't get rid of:the Harvey Norman ad
Movie on my mind:Pan's labyrinth
Newest infatuation:nausea medication
Secretly craving:serenity
Wish i were...if only i knew.

Walking home today, in front of me was a girl, probably my age, wearing a t-shirt that read "Gothic Lolita". how appalling, and of all statements, i would say that is the most perverse.

but then again, it is a free world. you do/say what you want to for the sake of fashion.

right now, my temperatures boiling, and I've been puking out my lunch. it totally doesn't help that the first thing i see when i get home is a creature resembling Shrek. honestly i do think Shrek is much cooler, but then he doesn't exist. this abominable, race car loving, lard-filled creature does.

I've realised that when things don't really go your way, or when they seem to be totally out of control, you need a face to place the anger on. for a long time now I've been battling my good sense and the sense of necessity and I've realised that ultimately, no one really gives a shit about how you feel. it's about life and how you deal with it. because as human beings, there's no such thing as selflessness. it's a concept. you may think you see it or you may seem to have it, but inevitably, your selflessness is derived from your selfishness. you are selfless because you can't stand to see another person in pain. you are selfless because you feel the pain, the anger and the agony of another. but ultimately, when you respond to your selfless feelings, your actions are selfish. whether you would want to admit it or not, you protect yourself first. ironically, by relieving someone else's pain, you're easing your own. so as human beings, our instinct for survival is the 'self', in a raw, animal-like way.

death on the road.

Mood of the moment: numbing oblivion
Song that i can't get rid of: aitebar
Movie on my mind: ratatouille
Newest infatuation: pink pills
Secretly craving: a soul
Wish i were... anyone but me.

While crossing the road with the babbling banshee from istana to meridien (i think). a sappy soppy couple gibbering (if its a word) in japanese, decided to make a move onto the road when the signal turned green.... for the cars. Oohs and aahs and somehow they managed to escape unscathed.
but the moral of this almost horrifying and almost squishing incident?...love kills, so look before u leap. (argh! so cliche)

Insee's top ten songs of all time (according to itunes playback)

1. Because the Night - 10,000 Maniacs
2. In the Deep - Bird York
3. Fix you - Coldplay
4. The Reason - Hoobastank
5. Imagine - John Lennon
6. Can't Stand me now - The Libertines
7. Kabhi Aisa Lagta hai - Lucky Ali
8. Teardrop - Massive Attack
9. Savin' me - Nickelback
10. Run- Snow Patrol

princess amelie's weekend

Mood of the moment: weird kinda happy
Song that i can't get rid of: tere bin
Movie on my mind: Dil Se ( i realised that it's my favourite Hindi movie of all time :S)
Newest infatuation: nothing new
Secretly craving: SLR camera :(
Wish i were...famous

Time flies when you're having fun.
Unfortunately that's too true.

"You're such a fugitive... but you don't know what you're running from!"
We're running from life. At least at this part of the world. You live life in weeks, not days. Each week being an eternity.

But it's the weekend. The eternity has been worth waiting for. It's like your two days of heaven for the week. All the complain gene's have disappeared. :P

Friday was spent watching models strut some awesome 'designer' wear. Unfortunately the company that we girls kept at the show weren't too keen on the clothes... go figure. The show was brilliant, the colours, the lights, the music and the concept had everything going on. I have a bone to pick with the models though. Half of them really did not know how to walk. They were slanting backwards, (probably trying to maximise their minimal endowments), but that looked totally yuppie like and stole the look from the clothes. I'm sure there are a million local models who would have done a better job... sadly in this place, imported is always better.

After this amazing show we were trying to be all glitzy and glamorous so we went down to Clarke quay so that we could eat. Unfortunately (with the exception of a little fella) our pockets weren't deep enough for these places... so we ended up at bk. Way better than our 'prata' alternative.

Trying to watch a movie after a long work day, 'happening' evening is totally impossible. At such wee hours your brain equals that of a dumb blonde. So no point trying to convince me that this is actually really good shit! maybe another day.

nothing to say and nothing to do.
people at nus seem to sleep a lot :|

kabhi aisa lagta hai

Mood of the moment: edgy
Song that i can't get rid of: tere bin
Movie on my mind: the prestige
Newest infatuation: Indian/Pakistani music
Secretly craving: chocolate
Wish i were...anywhere but here

So yea, I've rediscovered music. Mostly because I've drained out my music collection on the way to work and back. Honestly i don't know the difference between Hindi and Urdu songs. They sound totally alike, but then again... my language knowledge is pathetic.

So apart from listening to songs i don't really understand, I listen to Arctic Monkeys. My Favourite Worst Nightmare is my latest possession. I plan on stealing the older album from the Babbling Banshee.

My taste in music is temperamental and volatile. I tend to like popular songs. But once they pass the optimum playback number, they eat at me like termites and every time i hear them i feel a part of my brain decay. But then there are the constants. Ultimately, you are defined by these constants. The variables define your mood.

The problem arises when you yourself are very much against the constants in your life. Especially mushrooms. That talk and watch porn. They are parasites. They drive your anger and eat your soul.

Finally you reach the point of maximum tolerance. And then you collapse. Your brain shreds. Your anger becomes your constant. Hatred, your definition. Happiness becomes a mood.

You discover darkness in your mind.
'Crazy' has a new meaning now.

Poignant Pixies

Mood of the moment: stuffed on my own cooking (haha)
Song that i can't get rid of: umbrella
Movie on my mind: pirates 3
Newest infatuation: honey lemon water
Secretly craving: dark mean chocolate
Wish i were...in Greece!

Ever heard of the mushroom. Well, you see, its appearance is rather sporadic, but of late weird as it may seem, it has grown roots. Which is very much against my liking. Anyways, such parasites usually die when they have nothing to feed off.

Pirates were last week. This week who knows. I'd rather sit at home and experiment in the kitchen. Unfortunately this would involve de-weeding the living room which is totally atrocious and almost impossible. I think mcps and mushrooms have a lot in common.

In any case I have half the mind to hire my Pixie friends to strut their stuff and work their charms on this mushroom. Subtlety should work. Unfortunately for me, since its almost summer, the darling Pixies are frolicking somewhere in the south of France. Sigh, if only I were a Pixie.

Last weekend...
Pirates 3 (go figure the full name)
Cafe del Mar: a bit overhyped. Totally inaccesible with no solutions for rain. Plus its freaking dark
The long and pointless week...
Work: those of you who know will know
HOLIDAY!: yes today is a holiday. i choose to be a lazy bum and stay at home the entire day. (more importantly, the house is mushroomless for the moment)

Well,

That's all Folks!

there's a mushroom growing in the living room.

oh wait... its not a mushroom :S
it's a male homo sapien! gosh.

suckao it all up!

Mood of the moment: satisfying feeling of contentment
Song that i can't get rid of: fluorescent adolescent
Movie on my mind: zodiac
Newest infatuation: arctic monkeys
Secretly craving: another suckao
Wish i were..."here and now".

The theory of relativity had something to do with energy and speed, and in the mess of all that comes the notion of time travel. Whether it really exists or not is nothing that we can define. I, for one, have visited the future in a dreamlike state. The earth is filled with electric storms and the sky is a perpetually orange. Maybe it was just a subconscious dream, or maybe it was real. I will never really know until it happens.

But in certain instances, such situations are normal. Time travel, i mean. Especially in your imagination. The time travellers wife is a book that carries your emotions across the space-time and life. In a world of fiction, science follows different rules, and impossible is nothing. (quoting Adidas here). There are no words to describe this amazing story, how it captures your heart, and your imagination. The idea is not totally original since movies such as Lake House (and the original Korean movie that it was adapted from) have been in the market for some time. However, the story in itself is so gripping that it becomes your world. Their love becomes yours. Their pain is your pain.

The downside with all good stories is that there is someone out there waiting to make it into a film. Somehow i picture a very emotional and artistic movie to create the right atmosphere for the characters. I have a feeling that this mite not be the case for the movie that is fore casted to be out in 2008. Eric Bana doesn't look my version of Henry, but I'm sure he has the acting skills to pull it off. My concern lies with Rachel McAdam's and her ability to portray Clare as the pivotal character in the story. The novel revolves around Clare, if her character is not up to the mark, the entire story crumbles. Taking a look at McAdam's movie portfolio I'm not too confident of her ability to follow through. But you never know, this mite be her time to shine. For the sake of the book, i hope it is.

Enough banter about non-existent universes. Here and now is what matters. Dinner, for example, with awesome Indian food. And the highlight of the day...? Max Brenner. It's absobloominglutely chocolate heaven. I'm definitely going back there to spend my hard earned $!(Although the Iranian restaurant is next on my list. )

Of all unfortunate events, today i forgot to take my camera. So i don't have fancy pics of the suckao or the cheesecake with cucumber slices or the aphrodisiac that some people decided to try. But nonetheless, there is evidence out there for u to see.

Last week i watched Priceless. It was a good movie, but it didn't quite cut it for me. Amelie still presides over my personality and my heart. Oh my, a freakish coincidence, La Noiyee is playing in the background! I'm contemplating changing the template of this site since i can hardly answer all the questions i ask myself at the start!

Okay...
Hm mm..
So now I've been rendered speechless. My brain is knocking on my skull to inform my body that i need to hit the snooze button. Too much food on my plate today (quoting Jason Mraz) makes me a sleepy, happy girl.

Au revoir
Amelie.

heralding the weekend

Mood of the moment: okay
Song that i can't get rid of: let go, frou frou
Movie on my mind: PRICELESS (i want to watch it today... its got audrey tatou!!!)
Newest infatuation: everything
Secretly craving: dunkin donuts
Wish i were... travelling around the world.

The weekends here again, but who would have thought i would be spending it with the kubricks. i cant believe how ill my luck has been. but what can be done about all of it now. I wake up with the noise at 930. Saturdays are for sleeping. ****(insert swear word of your choice) to all those who don't agree.

anyways after battling with my pathetic life last week, i have come to realise that you can never compromise on your self. health and happiness are the most important... the best way to cope with the weekday blues is to jump out and do something fun, preferably something that involves exercise. Running, swimming or whatever else u may like to do. I would rather be jet skiing my energy away, unfortunately, that would include a considerable portion of my earnings as well. so for now, being the chic cheapskate that i am, i swim and (try to) run. And boy is that fun. I don't really hate the weekdays that much anymore.

When i have cooler things to say, ill be writing again, any case visit HUMAN SPACE to take a look at things that seem to make sense.

on a lazy Saturday,
i bid you goodbye!

Awakening. "Under the Crescent Moon"

Mood of the moment: profound awe and wonder of the world we live in
Song that i can't get rid of: Wonderful world, James Morrison
Movie on my mind: Paradise Now
Newest infatuation: Cultural education
Secretly craving: peace. for the world and myself.
Wish i were...making a difference in the world

A long weekend. You would expect the lazy bum attitude from a candidate like me. That definitely is on the agenda buut Friday was to be an inspiring day. I finally went down to the National Museum to take a look on the exhibits from the middle east. Under the Crescent Moon documented the evolution of Arabian and Islamic civilisation. From the nomad to the modern cities. It was more of an urban and architectural study with amazing models made of plasticine, clay and straw. A real eye opener on what it was to be in the middle east then compared to the shattered and torn area it is now.

Life size models of the kasbah were on display. You can see, almost hear, and feel the life that they lived. An amazing experience. When you walk into them there is a sense of peace. The simplicity of the architecture is what brings out its tranquility. Islamic architecture revolves around the Islamic way of life, thereby making space important. The action takes place. The space is merely a container for it.
As each region developed, the concepts were applied, experimentally, to the apartments and city houses. What has evolved today remains to be seen, if there's anything left to be seen at all.

The second part of the exhibition, Nazr, was a photographic documentation of life and culture, past and present in the middle eastern region. It mostly depicted the fall of peace and tranquility. The destruction in Palestine & Beirut... unimaginable. The past carefully documented by scholars to be preserved for mankind to see in the years to come was sitting in the other room, while today's brutal reality was the subject of the installation artwork Strange Bridges Games. Depicting the fall of civilisation during our time. People's lives crumbling along with the buildings they attach their memories to. Lives played with, transformed from hopeful youth to fickle existence. Now they hope for a graceful death; we only see, we hear and we watch.

learning to breathe on my own

"So I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
Don't want to be alone with my thoughts tomorrow,
And I don't want to be afraid, don't want to look away,
I'm learning to breathe...

... I just need a hope and a light to follow,
Like sailors look to stars to find their way home,
I'm learning to breathe on my own."
Nerina Pallot

"When there's only one way that you can go.
No thoughts. No questions asked.
Dreams do not inspire. They haunt.
Your world is full of people.
But they pass you by.

The only way is forward.
Perhaps the thought could be left for later.
Dreams go on; remembered or not.
Look a little harder.
The people are in your heart."

Its a stupid way to come to terms with growing up. It's easy to depend on other people. There's no easy formula to wisdom or adulthood. Some of us, who have only seen the world with childish eyes can't seem to grasp the depth of real existence. Where accounts must balance. Boring tasks must be done. Excitement is not always an option. Security, feasibility and rationality rule your life.

It is hard for people to suddenly accept these things. It is harder to practice them. There really is no 'stepping' into the real world. Its just out there, waiting, to slap you in the face.

One of those days again.

Mood: lonely
Song: Sophia. Nerina Pallot
Newest infatuation: nothing actually
Secretly craving: a magical money tree
Wish i were... an intellectual celebrity

I've been having many of these 'one of those days' lately. I guess because the quality of life drastically deteriorates when you start to work. Especially at this part of the world. So ill have to keep trudging along hoping something important will come out of my lonely existence.

Last week was a good one. There was a birthday celebration. Practically everyone is born in march at work. So yea i ended up emptying a good part of my pockets on dinner. But in the end it was fun, and a good way to bond with colleagues.
Friday was ayam pennyet with Babbling Banshee. That was a hilarious. Yummy, freaking spicy but hilarious. We wanted to try out a new place at Orchard. So we went around looking for this shop on the 4th floor. Eventually we just sat down at the first restaurant we saw on the first floor. Too embarrassed to get up and walk around to see if this was the place we intended to go to, my accomplice went out to see if this was the place indeed. Eventually we were satisfied that this was the only place that had ayam pennyet! :)
I think it is my love for food that keeps me going.

So yea, in 8 hours the weekend will be over and the cycle will go on. This week is a four day week. So at least that is something to look forward to. But sri lanka at this time of the year is the place to be. Tomorrow is a holiday, Friday is a holiday, and the week after is avurudu.... Sometimes you wonder why you bother to leave home in the first place.

something to complain about

Mood:a bit annoyed
Song:some Hindi song
Newest infatuation:water landscaping
Secretly craving:a freaking keyboard that works!
Wish i were...a geek. oh, wait... i am!

Finally i have something to complain about. My keyboard of 4 years has crashed on me. and the 'z' key does not work. So i decide to go out and buy an external keyboard before i can replace the one that's spoilt. trying to be the reformed spender that i should be, i look for a good deal, or so it seemed. I wasted hours at the IT fair thinking it would be worthwhile. But the freaking queues went on for miles. I didn't see the point of spending a whole two hours in a freaking queue just to save 5$. i scooted off to the nearest Harvey Norman and best denki. Sadly, they are too posh to have any brand other than Microsoft or logitech. that brought me to carrefour. There it was, a compact keyboard, most importantly, with a usb port...that doesn't blow the top off your wallet.

BUT, when i plugged it just now, Mr 'e' seems to have a problem. imagine. just for the sake of 'z', a consonant hardly used (except for cadding and photoshop) i bought a keyboard that has a problem with a vowel. Keyboard manufacturers should at least
make sure that all vowels are in working order, if they're too lazy to have proper QC.

English is nglsh without vowels!

birthday banter

Mood: happy
Song: adios ayer, jose padilla
Newest infatuation:facebook
Secretly craving: ice cream
Wish i were...a billionaire

Simply put, it was a great week.
Plenty of yummy food, thoughtful friends, and throw in a movie, and my life has returned to the normalcy that once existed about a year and a half ago. The best of my uni days.

It takes a bit of pep to get into the real world. To realise that you can make it, even though you have to battle a few rats on the way.

Since i have nothing to complain about today, i have nothing to say. Life is great and its a happy happy day :D

the end of CNY

Mood:lazy/guilty
Song:how to save a life
Newest infatuation:olive oil
Secretly craving:food
Wish i were...a teensy bit more organised.

Hello people. Apparently real people who dont sleep do read this. So hey there you. :D

A new pointfully pointless blog to patronise www.cultofcult.blogspot.com

Ok gettin back to the lame old topic of conversation. It is the last holiday of CNY. Which means tomoro is like any other day. I feel i guilty cos i havent really wished anyone for CNY, and i know i should have. But circumstances did not permit. So there's always wednesday.

Being lazy and all, i dont want to get out of the house today. It's the perfect day to sit back, relax and cook something awesome. I was thinking of Chicken peri peri... with sour cream. A culinary invention that i dont dare to test on myself. Perhaps ill wait till wolverine returns. So instead of experimenting in the kitchen. I will go out with the Babbling banshee and we shall babble like banshees over lunch. Something that hasn't happened in a while.

Apart from the lunch issue, due to my fear of becoming bald, olive oil has become my best friend. Today is a weird day. Cos its the last day to enjoy as well as the day before tomoro, which is going to be an even weirder day. Plus im still a tad bit sleepy.

I honestly have nothing more to say. No sarcastic comments. No insults to throw around. And no humane cause to support. So after such a pointless point, i shall go and bury my head in the sand.

Run!

Mood:A silent epiphany
Song:Hey Oh... listen wat i say ohhh. Light up! Light up!
Newest infatuation:taking portrait photos
Secretly craving: nothing... actually
Wish i were...where i am right now

"Light up! Light up!
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear"

Run. For yourself. For your heart. For everyone.
Today i shall run. For the above said reasons. Inspired by the song ofcourse.

So finally im making use of the make up. Even though i dont go out much, its used to take vain photographs, of myself ofcourse. I'm contemplating opening a photostudio. Who knows, i can do the make up and photography. Oh, how vain...

Here's a reason to celebrate. Finally, a holiday. A true holiday. Sitting and doing nothing. Its not as if i have nothing to do. I'm just not doing anything. Theres a huge pending list of errands plus an entire room full of my mess that needs a lot of attention. But then this is the start of the holiday aint it? 4 days. A true reason to celebrate.

Hey ohhh... listen what i sayyyy ohhhh...
Its time to enjoy life. Whatever you do. Where ever you are. Happy Chinese new year everyone!

The Quality of Life

Mood: Eureka
Song: Snow
Newest infatuation: under eye cream and ways to get the perfect skin
Secretly craving: a professional camera
Wish i were...at a beach with an awesome camera...

It has finally dawned on me that life is what you make it. For those of you who knew this all along, please save your sniggers for someone else.

Im not talking about achievement in academics and personal goals. This is more of a epiphany in the dynamics of people and relationships. The details of which i really dont have the physical or mental capacity to relate to you right now. (snigger on...) But the short story of it all is that. 'You' are responsible for all the stress in your life. So please, don't take it :)

My initial topic for the day was, SURVIVAL 101, for the newbee at work. Unfortunately rule number 1 is, get plenty of rest... and thats my cue.

Adios invisible amigos.

pests

Mood:incensed
Song:out of my mind
Newest infatuation:make up/ concealer/ mac
Secretly craving:a better life
Wish i were...at home

judging by the look in the organ grinder, judging by the fact that my face dont fit.
its touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder...

not quite. more like a rat. i saw the squeaky rodent in the dustbin yesterday. i guess our living conditions have gotten quite squalid. :| plenty of rats to go around.

but i must mention that singaporean rats are rather clean. the fella had clean brown fur and a pink tail. but it doesnt disqualify it from being a rat.

so things are a bit topsy turvy in my part of the world. but life is indeed a rollercoaster... let the show go on!

Blushingly embarrassing

Mood:tired and sleepy
Song:all the things that ive done
Newest infatuation:chinese
Secretly craving:sleep
Wish i were...at home

After the exciting wedding last nite, i went to work this morning a bit groggy, but still alive. The world was spinning around quite smoothly, until i saw myself in the mirror. Oh what horror, i almost saw the bride of chucky. I was blushing. Terribly obviously blushing. A truly horrendous case of disastrous make up. The situation was grave because i realised that i was in excess of blush half way through the first half of the day. Which means all the people who could have witnessed such a terrible incident, did indeed witness it.

Don't get me wrong here. I love make up. I love the colours, and i love the various brands that exist. I also love the little packages that they come in. Sadly i dont have much of an art with make up. The blush is always a bit too much or too little. Eyes look too big. Eyeshadow under my eyes looking like an obvious mistake. Subtle make up is the best. But in fact thats the hardest look to achieve.

Hopefully in a couple of months ill be better at applying not just mascara and lip gloss. Till then pray that the bride of chucky wont return :)

honey and lime

Mood:just the same old me
Song:unwritten
Newest infatuation:honey and lime
Secretly craving:a vacation
Wish i were...an architect

Hellow people of the virtual world. Heres a toast to the new year. May it be an absobloominglutely happy one.

The crucial hour was spent on the roads of singapore watching the fireworks from a distance far enough to breathe. But the highlight of the evening was definitely the show. Loft by project bandaloop. A breathtaking performance and a concept completely unimaginable. Dancing off ropes off the I-Beams at the National Museum of Singapore.

So that was it. Finally it is 2007. Somehow, the excitement of a new year no longer exists. No hopes, no dreams and no solid resolutions. The only good that has come off it so far is a health n fitness regime. It has lasted 2 days. We shall see the progress in time to come.

So wats all the fuss about the health regime. Firstly being this young and being unable to have the energy to move should ring warning bells everywhere. A lazy weekend does not help either. So last nite i planned and i went swimming. Today i went to the gym. And i hope to continue this set up so that i can prolong my days on earth. Im not quite sure if earth indeed deserves me, mars mite be a better candidate, but so far my stay here has been unbelievably great, so i want it to last as long as it can.

Honey and lime also are for health purposes. More cosmetic actually. To remove the lipids and fatty acids i have accumulated over the years. More than a resolution, i have resolved to resolve and make it happen. To convert from an all fart no shit attitude to an attitude that goes all the way. :)

So wat has the new year done for you?