dejected and depressed

Mood:blue/ borderline jealousy of all those lucky people out there
Song: silence
Newest infatuation: fries
Secretly craving: chocolate
Wish i were...famous, outgoing, popular, cool, smart, focused, lucky, rich...

ok well things really aren;t going too well. i mean my lifes great and all but i lack that something thats going to make me a future. the something that everyone else seems to have but i dont.

i dont even know what the next step in my life is going to be. graduate. work. and then study again. or just go through till the end and then work... i really have no idea wat i should do. even if i do work, what am i going to do... will i even be eligible for a decent job...

life after school has gotten depressing. no one cares about u anymore. you dont have time to make friends. they just want to work ur butt and ur head off. so once that is over, where to? the competition doesnt suit all, it works badly on some of us. theyve got to know that some of us do indeed have potential, but it shows in different ways, or more like it doesnt show under pressure. sigh but the problem is, in the real world, you gotta look after urself. no ones gonna bother about how you feel. i just hope God has a plan for me.

for now i think ill just try to crawl out of my depression and enjoy the essay im going to write, and be thankful for all the things ive been blessed with, instead of being green over what i dont have. life has a promise. ill just have to see it.

timewaster

Mood:lazy
Song:silence
Newest infatuation:sleep
Secretly craving:ice cream
Wish i were...at home

now that theres a lull in everythig, although there shouldnt be, im sleepy sleepy sleepy. i should be studying. i should be writing an essay. reading atleast. but no im just waiting and watching and BLOGGING!! such timewaster.

ok me off..
i just realised that theres a REAL world out there...

a day in the life...

Mood: sweet melancholy
Song: where is my mind? - the pixies
Newest infatuation: chiang mai mango salad at thai express
Secretly craving: raw mangoes and chilli
Wish i were...at a beach resort...

so much for an HR test/exam or whatever it was. design submission was ok. kinda pissed at myself for coming up with a smaller model, but im happy atleast i had it. I was so sick and tired of the design, i couldnt possibly go thru the same process again (the truth of the matter, i was screwed cos i had run out of time, i had a model there only through the grace of God). Tomorrows the critique, im first up in line to be shot down. I hope this way there are lower expectations and so i can take an easier dose of pain.

But todays food was awesome. i stuffed myself to the max i found it hard to walk... as if id never seen food before! plus i was crying my eyes out too!!! but thais the way to go. the mango salad reminded me of the acharu i love from home... but it was awesome in its own right.

theres a sudden lull in everything thats going on. everyone around me is tense about exams. i should be tense too. ive hardly been the bookish type this semester. but im cool.

then comes the thought of the next semester. i figure i owe myself a better design, since it would be my last. i HAVE to make a 1:100 model. i HAVE to have nice panels. i wanna leave with a bang, in my own heart atleast. after that i have no idea whats in store. the future is a scary place. uncertainties, dislikes, competencies and all that. maybe i should try to take up photography or something. it might be more satisfying. writing maybe. or even history. (history is a very engaging subject, had i stumbled upon it earlier in life, i mite not even be in architecture school) But all in all i want to make something useful out of my life in a way that i can be useful... to give my best, and i still haven't found my area of expertise. i'm beginning to feel that it doesnt exist. maybe i should tap into something new, perhaps photography. a back up plan is always useful.

i have dreams and aspirations, the things i want to do after i graduate... the places i want to go... but they all seem limited. :( perhaps its my negative attitude that has always kept me back. the close mindedness that dint let me see further than my own two eyes. jealousy creeps in n i think of the would have beens had i not been so stuck up. or perhaps id like to blame it on external situations. but whos to blame for those, except me and myself?

so when it comes to the question of giving up architecture, i can't bear to go through with it. I've developed an attachment to it, its become a part of me. But its saddening to feel so hopeless in this feild. somehow i don't see myself being succesful at it. perhaps it is my negative attitude again workin on me, showing me the impossible only. the possible lies behind the haze of the negativity. i hope it clears. i want to make a decision. the real world i waiting. i need answers... im still looking for the questions

food glorious food

today.. engrossed in my sketchup model i have been hungry hungry hungry hungry...

i bought enough food to feed an entire family. *greed*

but its prolly gonna last me till nite...

the menu is,
rice, chicken n cabbage.
veggie salad.
guava with salt.
orange juice.

the kind lady at the canteen gave me some murruku for snacks. at the rate im eating, im bound to gain all the weight ive so proudly lost. :(

breakfast was no light issue either.. cake cake fruit fruit and milo. i seem to follow the principle of 2 goods cancel 2bads... im disillusioned.

ok thats my set of discordant sentences for today. till my brain switches on to real life mode (as similar to ur life) i shall try to be more educated.

but who the hells gonna care anyway! :)

newest music crush

Jack johnson...smooth and sensual.. tingles the senses...
its the artist im talking about.
check him out now if you haven't. constellations is a good place to start.

laka ukulele!

so this is me...

Your positive traits: You're very tuned into your lover's feelings - and always doing something caring. Sweetness - you're the most romantic person your parnter has ever met. You get easily swept away and are a total delight to fall in love with. Your negative traits: You are super duper sensitive and find it hard to get out of a sad mood. It's difficult for you to tell your sweetie no, even when you should. You often tell your partner what they want to hear, instead of being honest. Your ideal partner: Is straight from a fairy tale - the man or woman of your dreams Is a total romantic, with an artistic or creative side Loves to express their love to you, in all sorts of unique ways Your dating style: Dreamy. You like traditional romantic dates, like picnics in the park and candlelight dinners. Your seduction style: Fearless - you try what your parnter suggests, no matter how unusual. Loving. You'll take your pleasure second, if necessary. Internal. A lot of your enjoyment takes place within your head. Tips for the future: Be more realistic. Your romantic ideal is nice, but it may just not happen. Let go of your fear of rejection - it's holding you back from being with your true love. Open yourself up to a new love. The person you think you want make not be the one..

*

my head hurts. my eyes are open merely cos my brain wants them to be. i have been awake for more than 12 hours and this is wat happens. how am i to survive the next few days!

i wrote an entire post with the spirit and sarcasm that i usually show when im pissed off. but it got lost somewhere on blogger (and surprisingly i dint get pissed off then) and is now simply nothingness. the anger has worn away...more like the essay is finally done!

to the next phase. design. i pray for strength and courage. and hope that my motivation wont falter. if you already know me, you'll know why i pray and hope so hard. it takes divine intervention for u to see these qualities in me.

"The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen."
-Frank Lloyd Wright

history

history is an amazing subject. the ideas and the parallels that you can form through its study have a sense of revelation. its the want to know, and know and know. but that part can be left for discovery channel. never chose a history module unless you're a history major. i've been spending so much time on my essay that its eating into the time of my design module. dont get me wrong. i just love the subject. history and me are great friends. but its just not the thing i need right now. i hope i can get a decent essay out in a coupla hours.. already half way there....

after that, design it is..
desgin design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design design

i take back the flower post
(SOMEONE JUST MANAGED TO PISS ME OFF)

something i should learn to live by....

"I don't wait for moods. You accomplish nothing if you do that. Your mind must know it has got to get down to work."

-Pearl S. Buck

The Procrastinator's Creed:

something worth sharing...

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

the little things

some people have the ability to put things back in order. they're life's little blessings. :)

"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change."

-Buddha

the last mile...

its here. the beginning of the end.

procrastination is killing me. so is my english. long-windedness is blowing me over. writing history essays shouldnt be this difficult. from somethin exciting it has turned into a mundane article for a school text book.facts. facts. facts. facts. so there you go. im stressed cos i cant write and im taking too much time for it.

talking about time. i have to finish cadding out my design in exactly 2 days. 2 days for panels and 1 day for printing n material buying and organising my process folio.. finally 3 days for model making... inbetween all of this i have to celebrate eid, go to mosque, visit friends and try hard to have the fun i want to. so basically timing sucks, but its definitely not as bad as last year.

honestly, today i don't feel like being a bitch. it takes too much effort to come out with something to scold the world for. i guess thats a face i put on when im pissed off. but now im not pissed off. just apathetic. slightly excited about my design, and mostly apprehensive. the clock keeps ticking, and theres only so much work you can do in a day...

"Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that the stuff life is made of."

-Benjamin Franklin

as tomorrow becomes yesterday

concentration. something i lack.
hence i am here. i just want to shout out!

i love what i'm doing, then why can't i do it. i can envision what it is going to be. but getting down to it is like pushing this huuuuuge mountain.... and i give up before i start.

that is the ultimate loser speech.

inbetween worlds

i know. you are here. you haven't been here before. and i doubt you're going to be here again.

who are u? where are u from?
what benefits you?
get bak to work. stop wasting time.
=)

weird and supernatural,
till i see u in the other dimension

shout when you're pissed, and ONLY when you're pissed!

I've noticed that i talk to my blog when i dont feel like talking to anyone else. I know i am WEIRD. I was in fact born without the weird gene, but it was transplanted in my early childhood with the sincere hope of improving my cognitive abilities.

Apart from my medical history, life is catching up on me. Fiercely this time. I realised i can't leave it behind. I needed an escape, but escape just adds to ever-piling heap of shit that keeps collecting beyond the brick wall.

No I am NOT antisocial in nature indeed. But i can be antisocial at will. The term 'will' is used broadly. It covers the aspects of my mental and physical states. When these states are in an abnormal phase, namely when they are pressurised and are at work on seemingly uneccessary projects and assignments that are done merely because they need to be done in the shortest time possible, (im outta breath now) and not because they WANT to be done, my will commands my whole self to be antisocial. But under normal circumstances where i am usually happy and floating around in the summer air (it is strictly a metaphor, i do not have the physical buoyancy to float... oh and theres no summer/winter distinction here) i am far from antisocial. Sadly my mental and physical abilities are pressurised for a major part of the year, and hence i think i earn the 'antisocial' label.

Well what the hell and wtf (i try not to use explicit language), if you wish to judge my nature for yourself, go ahead.

Now that ive screamed and gotten over with my own problems....

Will the lady who talks about her pahtetic sex-life and sticky situations over the phone in the hall corridor, please leave those gruesome details to yourself. We (i speak on behalf of humanity) do not want to hear of the tragic fate of your poor partner. (i wonder what fuse in his brain shortcircuited and bade him to perform such acts with u, but thats another essay on its own, and im overdoing the bitching about other people in my blog so i shall quit)

So i say to humanity (or the 0.0001% of the internet population that accidently visit this site) Thank you, for lending me your ears, your eyes or whatever! Those who are dedicated to wasting their time on the internet (like me) please be faithful to your occupation and visit this utterly useless website.

Till im pissed, mad and suicidal again...
i love you all!

freakin hell!! im goin home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it just dawned upon me that ill finally be at home... 2 years have just flown by... i just cant believe it. shit. im into all the sentimental crap now.

but theres yet one more year of torture. some how ONE year doesnt sound that bad. and come to think of it, im startin to really love what im doing.

i hav it all planned out in my head. im gonna learn to cook. maybe set the kitchen on fire in the process, but yeah im gonna atleast try to learn to cook. (i really hope my mom doesnt read this) perhaps i should consider insurance first...

other than havin this on my agenda, i really have no idea what the hell im gonna do!! unlike all the successful students whove planned out internships etc, im gonna end up rotting at home, even worse, ill turn into a potato... o wait im already one! the prospect of going home, however enticing when ur lonely and all messed up with uni, kinda dwindles when it really is time to go home. mainly because i thnk im spendin the wrong times in the wrong place. home is a great place to study, but the hols are meant to be away from home. so by making the decision to really get out here and study, i kinda turned my life around. altho being away from home is utterly depressing at times, ive got no regrets. its bin a whole good heartwarming experience topped with a lotta shit. but hey, atleast i know wat lifes all abt.

like i just couldnt wait to get outta school (for reasons im not willing to talk about) i just cant wait to get outta uni... the prospect of going into a new phase in life is always a bonus.... but after workin, the next phase is drastic. that shall be discussed in the next century.

gosh all the mushy crap. i need to post a model home. i hope it fits into the box.

i bet your stunned, dearies its a cardboard model of a house ive come to love. aki is a completely different universe...

so much for talkin to the nothingness of the internet. come to think of it 101010101101001010101
(i have absolutely no idea wat that means)

...

since i have nothin to bitch about, i've nothin to say. the worlds a wonderful place and homes not too far away :)

the greener side of life

blank.

lost.

i've got the "i just dun want to do anything" syndrome. a million things to sort out before i actually have a vacation. ive been longing for one.

but then i know that im gonna be bored in the vacation. because i still dont have anything to do. 2.5 months of nothingness. the only thing that makes me want to go home is because it IS home and i miss home so much.

its not as if i like stayin on my own either. but just that id like to be a little less dependant at home. but its so unsafe in that country that i have no choice but to be dependant. which makes life freakin boring after a point. but nothing beats going home.

full of contradictions. i want everything that i dont have. chronic "grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome. the best song to describe me right now would be side by travis. i just dunno wat to do.

this blog is boring me.

of lift shafts and waste management

i wrote crap. oops sorry, about crap and its adventure through the sewers of the island. it couldnt get any better.
UNTIL the adventures through the airconditioning ductwork became more interesting...
ya rite. but so much for the exam. i can officially replace the plumber, electrician and garbage collector.

so getting back to real life. i really cant decide whether i should go on the exchange thing or not. i mean its really difficult to make a decision with only half the facts. plus there are so many things to do in the near future..."life is full of uncertainties"... sorry babe but i need to plan my holidays so hurry up with the facts.

since its already the end of sem there are sooo many things i want to do! i miss the beach. i need a proper adventure. i miss the thrill of life.

dammit. that was a dream. back to the real world. SSTUDYY!

how many crazee people exist in this world?

erm more like the internet world that stops by this page...lol

ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE READY FOR THIS? ya rite. thanks for being the first person to vote.

gosh. i must really be crazee.

do you think you're crazy?
	yes. and im open about it.
	yes but i keep it to myself
	only sometimes
	i wish i were
	no i'm a perfectly sane person living in a perfectly sane world
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