a day in the life...

Mood: sweet melancholy
Song: where is my mind? - the pixies
Newest infatuation: chiang mai mango salad at thai express
Secretly craving: raw mangoes and chilli
Wish i were...at a beach resort...

so much for an HR test/exam or whatever it was. design submission was ok. kinda pissed at myself for coming up with a smaller model, but im happy atleast i had it. I was so sick and tired of the design, i couldnt possibly go thru the same process again (the truth of the matter, i was screwed cos i had run out of time, i had a model there only through the grace of God). Tomorrows the critique, im first up in line to be shot down. I hope this way there are lower expectations and so i can take an easier dose of pain.

But todays food was awesome. i stuffed myself to the max i found it hard to walk... as if id never seen food before! plus i was crying my eyes out too!!! but thais the way to go. the mango salad reminded me of the acharu i love from home... but it was awesome in its own right.

theres a sudden lull in everything thats going on. everyone around me is tense about exams. i should be tense too. ive hardly been the bookish type this semester. but im cool.

then comes the thought of the next semester. i figure i owe myself a better design, since it would be my last. i HAVE to make a 1:100 model. i HAVE to have nice panels. i wanna leave with a bang, in my own heart atleast. after that i have no idea whats in store. the future is a scary place. uncertainties, dislikes, competencies and all that. maybe i should try to take up photography or something. it might be more satisfying. writing maybe. or even history. (history is a very engaging subject, had i stumbled upon it earlier in life, i mite not even be in architecture school) But all in all i want to make something useful out of my life in a way that i can be useful... to give my best, and i still haven't found my area of expertise. i'm beginning to feel that it doesnt exist. maybe i should tap into something new, perhaps photography. a back up plan is always useful.

i have dreams and aspirations, the things i want to do after i graduate... the places i want to go... but they all seem limited. :( perhaps its my negative attitude that has always kept me back. the close mindedness that dint let me see further than my own two eyes. jealousy creeps in n i think of the would have beens had i not been so stuck up. or perhaps id like to blame it on external situations. but whos to blame for those, except me and myself?

so when it comes to the question of giving up architecture, i can't bear to go through with it. I've developed an attachment to it, its become a part of me. But its saddening to feel so hopeless in this feild. somehow i don't see myself being succesful at it. perhaps it is my negative attitude again workin on me, showing me the impossible only. the possible lies behind the haze of the negativity. i hope it clears. i want to make a decision. the real world i waiting. i need answers... im still looking for the questions